parenting adventures

i have been on many an adventure in my life...sky-diving...hiking the alps...traveling across Europe...riding an elephant...traveling through the monkey forest in Bali...but none of it comes close to the experiences i have had parenting. although not quite the same thrill one gets jumping out of a plane...parenting has been this different extreme...this physical extreme...this emotional extreme...this sometimes claustrophobic extreme.

my little sister is pregnant...i think she is having an emotional go at it and was trying to seek solace in me...i couldnt offer her any fluff...i just told her not to come to me unless she wants the truth...i will encourage her, but i aint gunna lie! its hard...but at the same time, i wish i had someone telling me that...i wish i had someone tell me how dangerous it is to expect things to get easier. i wish i wouldn't have wasted time getting angry at my child waking me up...because my friends kids all slept through the night. i wish i would have had someone tell me...you wont sleep for 2 years. get over it. accept it. deal. and stop whining. stop it...seriously. stop. you will sleep again...just not now so quit saying you are tired. we get it.

that was future me yelling at past me. did you get that? it was really funny to me...anyway...i could keep having these conversations with former me...but we are moving on...aren't we?

there are times when i get this claustrophobic feeling...this overwhelming sense of my responsibilities as a parent...its almost like a physical weight and the obvious becomes heightened... I HAVE THREE KIDS!!! becomes all too suddenly apparent...like i just realized the implication of it all. like they just all of the sudden appeared in my life...but its more than that...its more like...THEY AREN'T LEAVING!...kind of like when you first get married...and it starts to hit you that the other person will never go away, but not in a comforting way...more like an OMG...I WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN...EVER!!! kinda terrifying way - did that ever happen to you? me either...just kidding...it did...does...whatever.

but like i was saying...only when i start to fathom the responsibility...the potential for disaster and human-ness. we are going to open a trust for our boys and i joke with my husband that they will have a choice at 18 to use it for college or therapy...but i am only kinda joking...because i feel like how can we not mess them up somehow?

doing the Jesse Tree during Advent season was so special for our little family. it got me thinking all about my faith...it got me thinking how our faith was presented to us as children by our parents...it got me thinking how to present God's truth and Word to our kids...it got me too introspective...i feel like i can not possibly share with them the Word when i am such a poor example of it all. when my faith is so weak...as evidenced by my self-obsessed claustrophobic moments...

i have had some amazing discussions with friends and family in the past couple of months - i find myself again on an adventure. a journey to discover where my faith fits in now. a journey on how to present that to my kids through not just my words but my everyday actions. i haven't had to really take a hard look at what i believe since college. i am realizing i haven't thought too much about myself in the past 6 years - which is both the best thing for me and the worst simultaneously.

i am thankful during this adventurous time in my life i have a lot of support in my church family, and physical family and friends. it can be so isolating if you let it. it can be so hard to not be isolated...but so necessary. it can be the biggest thrill and adventure of them all...but at times the most difficult trek you have ever undertaken...and perhaps the most debilitating part of it is that you cant turn back...there is no option...just press on and teach grace to your children and hopefully they will extend that to you one day.

i am also thankful for this little blog and the ability to share it all with you guys...and for your feedback - not always here, but in conversations, in emails, etc...it helps to share this burden with friends and family - it helps in the connectedness of it all...because we are...we should be...we need to be. i need to be. thank you.