so...we are "officially" done making babies...bryan had a procedure done to ensure that.
i think i have felt every range of emotion possible in the last 2 months regarding this.
i want to be very raw and open regarding this...because, maybe it will help someone else struggling.
i find that when we are raw with others, we get rawness back and it leads to growth.
so...let me just be very real and say that i expected a boy...but what i didn't expect was a sort of grieving over the fact that i will never have a girl. and also let me be clear that i never felt ill toward bobby over being a boy. i was honestly so happy that he was a boy and we would have a band of brothers...but making the decision that 3 was our limit...i felt a very strong sense of loss that we would never experience a girl.
and its not just because i make girls' clothes.
its little things that pop up out of nowhere....like realizing that i will never have a st. lucia to decorate on st. lucia day...or that i won't have a little girl who will care very much about copying my chocolate cookie recipe....or that i won't have another girl to commiserate with about periods, or boys, or shopping or cooking or wanting to dance...but i realized in the past month that i am also putting my boys in a very "boy" box.
i have been taking dance class on tuesdays for the past 3 weeks. bryson sees my tap shoes and expresses his desire to start tapping...why not? i guess, because bodie and bryson are very much into "boy" things i have excluded them from the things that i, as a girl, are into as well....and that - i realize - is a disservice to them.
i have also realized in these last 2 months that i am very blessed in being surrounded by little girls in my own life...namely my god-daughter Charlotte...i have a god-daughter...that i am charged with in seeing to her spiritual growth, as well as her personal growth...and i couldn't love that little girl more if i tried. i also have 4 nieces...who are amazing and love the hand-made love i show. one of my nieces (Hope) i am convinced, is my child...i taught her to crochet and she is so interested in learning the domestic arts and i couldn't be more ecstatic that she has that desire to learn that at her almost 13 years of age.
so God has blessed me in more ways than i even know now.
yes...i have boys...and God must have known what he was doing to give me all boys. He must have known that i have something special that i can keep up with them and temper them and be the main woman in their lives.
does my heart long for a little girl still? probably yes....but i find that longing fulfilled in the little girls that i am surrounded with for now. i can honestly say that i am more than content with my band of boys. i look forward to our camping trips and sports games and everything they have to throw at me. i know that my charge as a mom is to be the best mama to boys i can be.
i guess i am telling you all - not to worrry - i am so happy with my boys. i think some people feel bad for me...but please don't. i am so blessed. so blessed.
I just went to a baby shower for a friend who had her 4th of four boys around the same time as you had Bobby. I can admit that I felt a little let down when she didn't have a girl...thanks for sharing how it feels, and your contentment with your band of brothers. Love you!
ReplyDeleteYay. Amen. I could copy/paste this post - even though we don't know if we're done yet. I hear lots of "i bet you want a girl next". Not sure why people do that. I'm not so sure, the thought terrifies me, even though I feel the same as far as wanting some parts of the mother-daughter relationship. I was just talking to another mama of boys who are much older than ours - and she was saying how nice it is that the boys go out with their dad and 'exclude' her to have 'guy time'...and how nice that is. Not only to have time alone, but also that we have husbands that really love time with their boys and that they are more than willing to invest a lot of time into their relationships. Really cool that you have such special little girls in your life to share the girl things with.
ReplyDeleteGreat post Carlee...
Aw, this got me all verclempt...in a few ways. First off,Charlotte is so blessed to have you as a god-mother and it makes me so content to read the way you see your role in her life.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, it would be a blast for you to have a girl to do girl things with me and my daughters, especially as they get older.
But you know what? You will still do those things with us, just a little differently, that's all.
God has big plans for each of us and yours happens to be shaping strong, faithful, God-fearing, men who will make wonderful, competent fathers and husbands some day. I look forward to witnessing your journey!
Carlee, what a beautiful post. Not because I can relate personally, but because you put yourself out there openly, and very raw. And you're right -- that IS the sort of thing that will strike a cord with others, and will cause growth. I wish I could be like that.
ReplyDeleteHearing you speak about your boys and how you are reflecting on this time in your life is really amazing. It is heartfelt and honest, and says to me that those boys are going to turn out to be the type of guys that I would want my daughter to marry.
And any time you need to borrow her to fulfill the "girly" need- you just let me know!! I'll have here there in approximately 16 minutes. :)
I do not know you, I found your zoobie site through Mamasita and after reading about your I stumbled across your blog. As I read this I cried.. not sure why I am still crying but I am. I have two boys, 14 months apart and my husband has also made sure we were done with having babies.. and when he had the surgery it was 2 months after I had given birth so at that time I was fine with it and most days I still am. The days I am not is when strangers, family, friends ask me if we are going to try for a girl.. I say no we're done but they feel the need to tell me all the girl things I'm going to miss out on and how boys leave their moms and I shake it off.. I guess after reading this I feel better knowing I'm not the only person that feels this way.. and it's ok to feel this way. thanks for being so honest.
ReplyDeleteCarlee, this one was very sweet, very moving, as many of your writings are...I am ecstatic for you, the way your life has turned out. Who ever dreamed this is how it would all be as those two wild teenagers sneaking out at 2am...Who, us?? haha and I feel you, I really do, only I have no sons of my own. No nephews..only sons of friends to love.
ReplyDelete