we are done...

so...we are "officially" done making babies...bryan had a procedure done to ensure that.

i think i have felt every range of emotion possible in the last 2 months regarding this.

i want to be very raw and open regarding this...because, maybe it will help someone else struggling.

i find that when we are raw with others, we get rawness back and it leads to growth.

so...let me just be very real and say that i expected a boy...but what i didn't expect was a sort of grieving over the fact that i will never have a girl. and also let me be clear that i never felt ill toward bobby over being a boy. i was honestly so happy that he was a boy and we would have a band of brothers...but making the decision that 3 was our limit...i felt a very strong sense of loss that we would never experience a girl.

and its not just because i make girls' clothes.

its little things that pop up out of nowhere....like realizing that i will never have a st. lucia to decorate on st. lucia day...or that i won't have a little girl who will care very much about copying my chocolate cookie recipe....or that i won't have another girl to commiserate with about periods, or boys, or shopping or cooking or wanting to dance...but i realized in the past month that i am also putting my boys in a very "boy" box.

i have been taking dance class on tuesdays for the past 3 weeks. bryson sees my tap shoes and expresses his desire to start tapping...why not? i guess, because bodie and bryson are very much into "boy" things i have excluded them from the things that i, as a girl, are into as well....and that - i realize - is a disservice to them.

i have also realized in these last 2 months that i am very blessed in being surrounded by little girls in my own life...namely my god-daughter Charlotte...i have a god-daughter...that i am charged with in seeing to her spiritual growth, as well as her personal growth...and i couldn't love that little girl more if i tried. i also have 4 nieces...who are amazing and love the hand-made love i show. one of my nieces (Hope) i am convinced, is my child...i taught her to crochet and she is so interested in learning the domestic arts and i couldn't be more ecstatic that she has that desire to learn that at her almost 13 years of age.

so God has blessed me in more ways than i even know now.

yes...i have boys...and God must have known what he was doing to give me all boys. He must have known that i have something special that i can keep up with them and temper them and be the main woman in their lives.

does my heart long for a little girl still? probably yes....but i find that longing fulfilled in the little girls that i am surrounded with for now. i can honestly say that i am more than content with my band of boys. i look forward to our camping trips and sports games and everything they have to throw at me. i know that my charge as a mom is to be the best mama to boys i can be.

i guess i am telling you all - not to worrry - i am so happy with my boys. i think some people feel bad for me...but please don't. i am so blessed. so blessed.

The Pumpkin Patch

 bryan's parents came down this weekend. can i tell you what amazing house guests these guys are? they clean, they cook, they wake up with my children...everyone was so sad to see them go, but we enjoyed the time we had with them and always appreciate the looong drive from san jose that they do so often.

so....getting out is not the easiest - even with 4 adults trying to make it happen...or maybe the 4 adults make it more difficult? i dont know...but it took us forever to get going and going anywhere with all 3 is a challenge too...or maybe its just that bodie is a challenge right now. he likes to run off....and did i mention he is fast? and did i also mention he gets into EVERYTHING? i call him our little goat...because he is exactly like our goats growing up...leaving a wake of destruction so that their whole day's path could be traced.

i took all 3 boys here by myself a couple weeks ago and it wasn't easy...but somehow it was fun. i just had to time things really well - like nursing bobby while bodie was in the bounce house...or sitting down for lunch...or strapped in his car seat...did i also mention that bobby likes to nurse every hour? so that adds to the difficulty of not being able to chase down a boy that very much likes to be chased.

i am getting way off point here...this is a post about our fun times with the barnes at the pumpkin patch...not a post about how difficult 3 boys are...although i believe that theme will be prevalent in just about every post :)
so the pumpkin patch...we did a lot...petting zoo...bounce house, car ride, boat bumper thingy, games...which bryson won another 2 goldfish that hopefully i won't kill as fast as last time. he is freakishly good at those carnival games...its wierd...i can't ever win them....or perhaps it is more likely that i never try because i can't stand stuffed animals...hmmm...yes...lets go with that last one.





its fun to see bryson and bodie together like this. it lights up my heart when there is something exciting and bryson's first reaction is to tell bodie....like "Bodie LOOK! you want to ride the fire engine?" "Da"...did i also mention that bodie is apparently russian?

 we did end up buying some pumpkins...or i should say Bryan did...i am the cheap-o that goes to the pumpkin patch and takes pictures than heads over to ralphs and buys a pumpkin there...but bryan was into this "i always wanted to buy the biggest pumpkin" so $24 later...on a pumpkin...ridiculous...but now he has done something he always wanted to do, so there is that accomplished. can you taste the sarcasm?

the day was lovely - and i was so thankful to have some extra hands...some extra very special loving hands. bryson cried when they left after church on sunday...and i almost did too...and i think they were maybe a little grateful for the silent car ride after a weekend of a LOT of noise...maybe not - they are pretty used to a LOT of noise...so for that i am grateful!

the bros

and then there were three...
we have had quite the week. doctor visits...for all 3 boys...a surgery (outpatient) for the husband and the ER yesterday for Bodie...long story...involves his boyish parts...and still an undetermined prognosis - we think a skin irritation...4 hours and however many hundreds of dollars later...ughh....lets just say mama is hoping next week is a bit better...

while bodie was at the hospital (my sister took him since i was alone with the kids and couldn't imagine having all 3 at an ER with a cranky Bodie) bryson told me how he was so glad Bodie was gone because now he won't get into all his stuff...i know that kids are self-absorbed...but it did sorta shock me how little to none he cared that his brother was at the HOSPITAL...i realized that it is hard to teach compassion and empathy/sympathy and self-lessness. i know  kids learn from example, but at what age do they start getting it that the world doesnt revolve around them?

enter this book...i have heard a couple different MOPs speakers speak on this book i dont know if it pertains a lot to the toddler/pre-school set, but it has come highly recommended.

well...whatever...i'll try whatever i can at this point - because in bryson's world right now he is the sun...and the moon...and the stars...and the planets...and...and...and...

He's Becoming Human...

that first smile is always so nice...it comes when you are needing it the most...some sort of recognition...bobby first smiled about a week ago...but we were never able to catch it on camera - thank heavens for camera phones!

this is bobby at disneyland. on this trip both bryan and i were recognizing that little Bobby is becoming a little man...he is staring at us more and smiling and seems like all his stomach issues are subsiding (he is rarely fussy anymore...which has made quite an amazing improvement on my sanity) - he still has a bit of a cold, but he is generally a happy content baby.

last night he slept from 10pm till 4:45am...i am not getting used to this by any means...but shocking...holy cow...i feel like a new woman! i am even planning dinner for tonight! what? dinner? cooking...what a concept!

poor baby's thrush has also wound its way into his diapered parts...ouch...it looks awful down there...i have to imagine it isnt comfortable either...so i have been really careful about only using cloth and changing him every 2-3 hours and man does he go through these diapers...i am cleaning them like every day since i only have about 10 any size diapers...by the way...fuzzi bunz one size...the best....i am sold...i will have to do a post soon showing the different fit...i had my sister call in a prescription for some anti-fungal cream for him (its so nice having a PA for a sister!) speaking of her - we took all 3 boys to see her yesterday - here are the boys' weights so i can put them in their baby books...someday...or more likely, print out this blog and call it a baby book :)
Bobby - 8lbs 8oz (YEAH!!)
Bodie - 28lbs
Bryson - 36lbs
Publish Post

Disneyland - Barnes Style

we have been neglecting our boys...we as in bryan and i...our boys as in bryson and bodie...bobby just wants to be nursed and held...so he is taken care of in that arena...but these boys...they don't understand that we procrastinated on our taxes and that they are due this week now...they don't understand that i have had to crank out a ton of zoodie orders...they just want our ATTENTION!!! and if they dont get it in a positive way...well...lets just understatedly say that they will settle for a negative reaction.

so we had been planning this little trip all week. and even though we "planned" it...the actual follow-through was ill planned. we left at a horrible time...i.e...bodie's nap time...which he didnt...which was not good for standing in lines with a cranky almost-two-year old. plus it was crowded since it was technically a holiday weekend (columbus day...what is that about anyway?) so we ended up only going on one ride...pirates of the Caribbean...which bodie hated, bryson loved and bobby slept. bryson took the older boys on the caterpillar ride at california-land...which is fun...but short...and always a silly wait...

but...we were together...we had fun...we were all worn out at the end...and i, for one, was thankful i had an extra hand around to help "herd" the boys...that is how i feel these days...like a sheep-herder...bodie is at that age where a stroller=no fun and following me is also no fun...and carrying him is not an option since i am carrying a bobby...plus he weighs close to 30 pounds...so that means that any walk...or any place we go takes 5x as long since i have to pause every 3.5 seconds and call out his name and/or grab him by the arm while he goes limp...fun times! i was talking about something else though....oh yes, disneyland....so the best part is that california-land serves alcohol...so at the end of it all we got the boys burritos (their fave) and we each had a beer (my fave) and all were happy. the end.

Bobby at 1 Month

bryan and i left the bigger boys with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend and headed to ojai for a wedding of a college friend. we took bobby with us and it was so much fun to have bobby alone for a little bit. he smiled at me for the first time friday and he seems to be starting to grow into a little human.

we weighed him today and he is 7lbs 9oz...almost 2 pounds heavier than when he was born! he doesn't fit the premie clothes and is almost too big for newborn...and newborn diapers...he is also crying a lot less, which i hope to mean that all his indigestion issues are getting better too.

but poor baby is all kinds of jacked up right now...he's got acne on his face, cradle cap on his head, thrush in his mouth, he is getting over a little cold (had his first fever already...thank you Bodie Booger Man!) so he sounds like a little piggie...just before he got sick i was thinking we were turning a corner as far as the no-sleep thing was going, but that is back on...baby is awake! a lot!

i can not believe it has only been a month. it feels like forever ago that he was born. we are so thankful for our baby bobby...for all of our boys...we are looking forward to seeing what kind of personality this little guy is going to bring to the *already crazy* mix. my only concern is that i am so sleep-deprived-zombie-mom right now that i will not remember any of this...

Bobby at 2 Weeks

Wow...2 weeks...i think because i haven't slept for 2 weeks it more feels like 2 months...this is our Bobby at 2 weeks.

We had a check up today with Sue and he now weighs 6 1/2 lbs - which means he has almost gained a pound in 2 weeks! which is so nice, since this boy needs to bulk up if he stands a chance against his brothers...bodie does not understand the idea of "gentle" or "nice" or "do not throw that golf ball at your brother's head" - such is a house of boys...as bryson keeps reminding me..."mom - now we have FOUR boys!" i also overheard bryson tell his daddy that this is a boy party in this house. so true...

Anyway - our sweet Bobby B. is a fat baby in a skinny baby body and nurses ALL the time...like ALL the time...like every hour on the hour...i am so going to lose this baby weight in no time...pretty stoked on that...sure i will be a walking no-sleep-zombie-mom, but i'll fit into my jeans!

he is so alert and so expressive already. i dont believe i have ever seen a newborn so alert. he seems to have a lot going on behind those big eyes of his.

also because of his teeny size, this baby is somewhat of a rock star. I can not go anywhere without a million comments...almost as annoying as when i was pregnant, but not since i agree with their comments on his cuteness...its true...but the comments about 3 boys are sorta annoying...and the recent ones i keep getting, "are they all yours?" like i have a pre-school with me or something...anyway - i am still hormonal...obviously...

to try to give you an idea of size, here he is with our dumb (but very loved) cat BBQ...

by the way, did you know BBQ has his own theme song? it goes, "BBQ, BBQ, there is no other cat as dumb as you" and there is a song...its delightful. we love you BBQ...

anyway - as you can see BBQ has quite a few pounds on Bobby, but not for long!!!