nipple confusion

i love the title of this post...because its what both bobby and i have right now...

bobby is not wanting to nurse...in that...when he does he clamps down and pulls. every time. i still nurse him 2x a day but that is all he has patience for. so i have been PUMP-ing...like 7x a day pumping. like i dont know how i have found time to pump. the difficulty in my situation is that we have 2 guys working in our house every day, so i have to go into my room to pump during the day...with 3 kids and having to go into a room to pump...its not so much convenient. no...not so much...in fact it is the very opposite of that.

i know what needs to be done. i know we need to take away all bottles...that i need to bear through it. which i would be able to do...if i didnt work 3 days a week....if i didnt have 2 other kids that also have needs and loud opinions...if i didnt have 2 other people working out of our house and i could have bobby in the office with me...if i wasnt just all around so darn tired...in other words - if he was my first ;)

i am not ready at all to stop breastfeeding. and even though he takes a bottle more than he actually takes it from my breast i consider it breastfeeding. i wish he would nurse because i love it so. i wish i could have nursed my other boys longer than a year. but they had other plans. plans that did not involve my breastfeeding. i have nipple confusion too because i am not sure if my feelings/hormones are in my best interest or his...

the other part of this is that i have not been making enough milk. truly. i did with my other boys no problem (especially bodie who at this point at 6 months was over 20 pounds). i suspect that bobby has always had a sucking issue because he has never fallen asleep while breastfeeding. when he was younger he would pull away from the breast frustrated and start screaming. i thought it was because he had stomach issues. one day bryan got sick of it and gave him a bottle. he ate 5 ounces. 5 ounces! after i was "done" breastfeeding. and he fell asleep/conked out more like and slept longer than he ever had. i felt horrible after that. after a month of trying to up my milk supply with supplements and teas and pumping and a still frustrated baby, i gave in and started supplementing formula. this was about a month ago. we supplemented one bottle a day - all the while me still trying to help my milk supply, which has not been affected. i tried changing my diet, not working out, taking a week off of work (because maybe it was stress related?)...nothing.

i am so so upset by this. its been a big source of pride that i have breastfed my babies. it has been a big source of how i see my role as a mom to my babies. it has been everything about what i love about babies and being a mom and providing something amazing that no one else can give my babies. i dont know what the lesson is in all of this. i am trying to give myself grace and not be so hard on myself. i am trying to do what is right for my entire family...not just me or bobby...i am trying to be logical over emotional...i am trying to find a way out of all of the stress over it...but it has been weighing on me so heavy.

i am going to continue to try to breastfeed every feeding. i am going to continue to pump until my milk runs dry. i am going to continue the supplements...and i am going to try to forgive myself...bobby is doing great. he loves the ease of the bottle and is eating a ton! he is also starting to eat solids and gain nutrition there as well.

i think what is sorta ironic about all of this is that breastfeeding was the one thing that i was so unsure of when i was pregnant for the first time. i knew i wanted to do it, but it scared me. i told myself i would at least give it 6 months...now here i am...so upset that my baby is refusing to nurse at 6 months...its also that he is my last baby...i wanted to nurse him until he was at least 5 years old. kidding....sort of...

anyway...i needed to write this all out...i have been so bogged down by it all...my pride is hurt...my feelings are hurt...i am having trouble separating hormones from reality...my worries vs. what is best for my baby. obviously if i am not making enough milk for my baby it is best for my baby if we supplement, but i have always hated formula...so there are a lot of layers. sheesh...motherhood is such a psychological journey...thanks for listening! i need a hug...