Happy 60th Birthday Mama!

all my mom wanted for her birthday was a nice family picture. i feel like she says this every year and something happens...so she did it smart and hired someone and told everyone this would be her present - so be there! and smile!

i had selfishly been thankful about this because i have been wanting to get some family pics around this time too - when bobby could sit up...and hang some in our house of our new family (our family pics we took when bodie was 10 months are hanging up now). i remember when my niece hope was born and i was shopping for clothes for her and i kept getting distracted in the little boy section with the teeny bow-ties and neck ties and collared shirts and kept thinking how precious that is to get a dirty, grimy, restless little boy all spiffed up for just a couple of hours - that transformation...so i insisted on bow ties...and no - i didnt make them myself...i bought them on etsy. but bryan was into it...and said he preferred them to neck ties...so i am going to attempt them for sure!

between the four of us kids - we have 8 kids - ranging in ages of 6 months - 17 years old. (5 of which are under 6 years). so the thought of getting a shot to capture all of these kids without a finger in the nose or a hairy eyeball or screaming seemed pretty impossible.

but it went rather smoothly. the only trouble was trying to get bodie to smile...or rather look like he didnt hate you...which is our battle with him...he is not a smiler...but i was fine with him making a bodie face in our picture...its who he is...even candy didnt distract him from scowling.

i can't wait to see how they turned out! my sister's friend from grade school/high school - Sarah Frenzel - took the pictures for us and she was awesome...of course...she also took the pics at SB's wedding, which turned out beautifully. so hopefully she can work some magic on bodie's stink face...and while she is at it maybe she can make my brother smile for reals too!

nipple confusion

i love the title of this post...because its what both bobby and i have right now...

bobby is not wanting to nurse...in that...when he does he clamps down and pulls. every time. i still nurse him 2x a day but that is all he has patience for. so i have been PUMP-ing...like 7x a day pumping. like i dont know how i have found time to pump. the difficulty in my situation is that we have 2 guys working in our house every day, so i have to go into my room to pump during the day...with 3 kids and having to go into a room to pump...its not so much convenient. no...not so much...in fact it is the very opposite of that.

i know what needs to be done. i know we need to take away all bottles...that i need to bear through it. which i would be able to do...if i didnt work 3 days a week....if i didnt have 2 other kids that also have needs and loud opinions...if i didnt have 2 other people working out of our house and i could have bobby in the office with me...if i wasnt just all around so darn tired...in other words - if he was my first ;)

i am not ready at all to stop breastfeeding. and even though he takes a bottle more than he actually takes it from my breast i consider it breastfeeding. i wish he would nurse because i love it so. i wish i could have nursed my other boys longer than a year. but they had other plans. plans that did not involve my breastfeeding. i have nipple confusion too because i am not sure if my feelings/hormones are in my best interest or his...

the other part of this is that i have not been making enough milk. truly. i did with my other boys no problem (especially bodie who at this point at 6 months was over 20 pounds). i suspect that bobby has always had a sucking issue because he has never fallen asleep while breastfeeding. when he was younger he would pull away from the breast frustrated and start screaming. i thought it was because he had stomach issues. one day bryan got sick of it and gave him a bottle. he ate 5 ounces. 5 ounces! after i was "done" breastfeeding. and he fell asleep/conked out more like and slept longer than he ever had. i felt horrible after that. after a month of trying to up my milk supply with supplements and teas and pumping and a still frustrated baby, i gave in and started supplementing formula. this was about a month ago. we supplemented one bottle a day - all the while me still trying to help my milk supply, which has not been affected. i tried changing my diet, not working out, taking a week off of work (because maybe it was stress related?)...nothing.

i am so so upset by this. its been a big source of pride that i have breastfed my babies. it has been a big source of how i see my role as a mom to my babies. it has been everything about what i love about babies and being a mom and providing something amazing that no one else can give my babies. i dont know what the lesson is in all of this. i am trying to give myself grace and not be so hard on myself. i am trying to do what is right for my entire family...not just me or bobby...i am trying to be logical over emotional...i am trying to find a way out of all of the stress over it...but it has been weighing on me so heavy.

i am going to continue to try to breastfeed every feeding. i am going to continue to pump until my milk runs dry. i am going to continue the supplements...and i am going to try to forgive myself...bobby is doing great. he loves the ease of the bottle and is eating a ton! he is also starting to eat solids and gain nutrition there as well.

i think what is sorta ironic about all of this is that breastfeeding was the one thing that i was so unsure of when i was pregnant for the first time. i knew i wanted to do it, but it scared me. i told myself i would at least give it 6 months...now here i am...so upset that my baby is refusing to nurse at 6 months...its also that he is my last baby...i wanted to nurse him until he was at least 5 years old. kidding....sort of...

anyway...i needed to write this all out...i have been so bogged down by it all...my pride is hurt...my feelings are hurt...i am having trouble separating hormones from reality...my worries vs. what is best for my baby. obviously if i am not making enough milk for my baby it is best for my baby if we supplement, but i have always hated formula...so there are a lot of layers. sheesh...motherhood is such a psychological journey...thanks for listening! i need a hug...

disneyland with the boys

i had to get bryson a TB test in order to register him for school. i told him if he was brave i would give him a special treat. at the time i was thinking like a piece of gum or something...but then i started thinking how he hasnt been to disneyland for a while and i might just have enough energy to kill a couple hours there...hmmm...




so i did! it was probably best too that the trip wasnt premeditated...i would have brought too much stuff. i am also glad i didnt bring the double stroller because the ergo and my single stroller was all i needed!

i had to document this...i feel uber proud of myself...it was crazy...i felt like a pack mule because i had at least 1 kid on me the whole time...in line for buzz lightyear for 30 minutes i had bodie on my back and carried bobby in front...bodie is 32 pounds...bobby is 15 pounds...that is a lot of weight...moving weight i might add...so i was a bit sore, but it was worth it!!

we had so much fun too! bodie is finally a little bit older and a little bit  more patient...little bit...his max is about a 10 minute wait if he isnt in the ergo...we went on buzz lightyear, monsters, inc and i took them to the grizzly park in californialand, which was awesome for them - they just ran around and explored and had a blast.

i think its great that i can handle all 3 kids by myself sorta well now...i think its funny that i am so proud of myself for handling my children...i dont know how moms of 5+ do it...nuts...3 is definitely our limit! its all kinds of chaos, but so fun...most of the time ;)

Bodzilla

you want a million different ways to get dirty in a day...just ask bodie...i am constantly washing clothes/wiping boogers/cleaning hands, face, hair/scrubbing down every surface he touches/sweeping up whatever mess he made. this kid is a full time clean-up job!

here he is playing with his "monster chuck alley" - he is still obsessed with them...bryson never played with trucks like this - he was always more into balls and sports...not sure what it all means, other than bodie is attracted to all things dirty! man though...i love this dirty boy!!

Bryson's First T-Ball Game

i feel like this is quite monumental...i mean...i know that i am one to exaggerate and all...but there has been this strange feeling following me ever since little league had their opening day ceremonies. this feeling that these fields will be quite familiar to us for the next 12 years or so...this feeling that i am going to need to learn a lot more about correct throwing technique and how to pitch and play catch with my boys...this feeling that our weekends will no longer be lounging around and doing whatever we want...a feeling of a start of something that will be our new normal.

this was his first t-ball game. so cute. but the pageant mom in me came out and i was yelling for him to run then i realized they dont even keep score...i felt like i was watching soccer for a minute...just kidding...in soccer they score sometimes...speaking of which, bryson just told us he wants to play soccer next, which you apparently have to sign up now for the fall league...and practice is 2x week and games on saturdays...this feeling i had is suddenly a reality!

i constantly feel so out of place at these little events...i have no sports experience. at all. i dont even remember going to my brothers' games. i remember my dad was in a softball league, but i only remember that because i got to play on the playground with my friends and eat candy from the snack shack. no interest...none...at all..

but this is fun! i am seriously so excited to be a "sports mom" i think whatever he chooses i will be there on the sidelines. bryan and i were having a conversation last night about their abilities and passions and where we come in as parents and where we just don't. for now he wants to play every single sport out there...which is great, but goodness these sports are big time-sucks...plus bodie will be involved in sports coming up most likely and then bobby too...so limits will of course be necessary. like one sport at a time!

bryson did so well - he paid good attention - hit the ball well - almost touched all the bases...its hard to watch all 3 innings of t-ball...the kids are so all over the place, but our coach is super great with the kids and their practices are serious -

so this feeling i had at opening ceremonies is still taking its time sinking in...a lifetime of sports ahead of me. bryan is over the moon about it, of course, and i am getting there too...especially since i spent a good part of last weekend doing some sports crafting - sewing patches on their uniforms, embroidering his name (well...B.Barnes) on his bat bag, making him a couple jersies for practice...i may not know any of the rules of these sports, but at least he will look cute!

Bobby Firsts

this week has been so fun for me! partly because i thought it would mean a hard-nosed week in the office preparing for taxes...until i realized that i need bobby's social security card...and that would take at least 8 weeks...plus me finding a day to actually go to the social security office (sans kids of course)...so then i found an accountant and started the filing for an extension (2nd year in a row...woot!) so instead of being in the office all week for taxes, i took my kids on all kinds of adventures...the park, the beach, random walks around the block, some chopping (shopping) and just tried to enjoy the tantrum-free times and soak it all in.

most of the time when we have a free day i let bryson decide what he wants to do...i know that come fall he will start school...for the next 12 years...and i won't get this time with him...so he wanted to ride scooters and hunt for treasure (geo-caching) so that is what we did on thursday. bodie really wanted to go in the swing, and i had forgotten my ergo, so i put bobby in the swing too and oh goodness he was so so happy! i snapped this pic and sent it to bryan and he said it totally made his day. i think he was in a meeting or an audition and i know that he would much rather be with the boys than either of those things, so its fun that we are able to share our days with the boys with each other. i think for a long time i was jealous that he "got a break" from the kids, but because we switch off watching them and he truly knows both jobs in and out, he would take being a stay at home dad any day! except when either of us are sick...then we go in the office...because lets face it...its much less physically demanding sitting in front of a computer all day...i never thought that working in an office would be my "sick day"....hello motherhood! you dont get to be sick!

anyway...bobby is also taking baths now with brother - now that he can sit up - and he loves it soooo much! its just unfortunate that bodie takes anything he is holding...but other than that he is happiest during bathtime! tonight i put all three in the tub for a little bit and i couldnt help but think of "rub a dub dub...three men in a tub" gave me a good idea for halloween costumes!

Bobby at 6 Months!

Bobby...halfway there! you are halfway there to not being my baby anymore...but joke is on you because guess what? you will ALWAYS be my baby...so just deal and make fun behind my back like the babies do, K?

so this month you are officially on the move - you are exuding your uncanny super baby strength...i saw you do a push up with just your left hand and right foot...(for any of you silly enough to try it...its freakin hard! we know...we have been trying...for the record Bryan can do one)

you tasted your first foods...and are consuming them like i have been starving you...you have tried carrots, spinach, rutabaga, broccoli, pears, bananas, apples, bread, and paper. goodness you love paper...you get super dooper upset if we take paper away from you. i am going to buy some seaweed paper whenever i remember to and let you go to town!

you came with us to portland to meet your very special "twin" Ezra (born almost exactly 24 hours after you). it was so fun for daddy and i to spend some alone time with you enjoying your baby self! we smothered you all weekend with attention and kisses and competing to make you laugh.

daddy carried you in the Bjorn throughout the trip and everyone would comment and oooh and aaah over how cute you are...it made daddy feel like a rock star (i dont think he minded all the attention one bit!)

you are enjoying sitting up and putting anything in your mouth you can get a hold of...like dirt...you tasted dirt for the first time by the way.

we moved you out of our room, much to the sadness of mama, but you seem to enjoy it since you sleep sooo much better, much to the happiness of mama! you like to sleep on your tummy and scoot your little legs up and i like to watch you sleep and try to whisper to you to stop growing so fast! you dont listen...of course!

no teeth yet...no hair either...we adore your gummy smile and i have a feeling your 7th month may see an end to it.

you love your brothers too and they return that love right back, especially Bryson...he missed you so so much while we were gone!

we love you Bobby B.!