A Shift, A Shower, A Seedling

Photo from Missie's shower this weekend, Me, Missie and my sister - photo stolen from FB - taken by Jennifer Johnson

I had a really wonderful weekend. I came to sit down to work today and read some blogs and had my coffee, which i like to do before i start my day - puts me in a creative/working mode i find...anyway - there were quite a few blogs that had sweeping realizations and lots of reflective posts, which was odd because i have had some thoughts swirling in my head from this weekend that i felt compelled to share here. I have been reflecting on my summer and what was different about this summer- because when i look back at the summer as a whole - it felt really balanced. this is not normal for me - usually i never say no to anything - i overpack my schedule and overcommit my time, but this summer i was super mindful of only traveling a couple weekends per month. of planning on "catch up" days around the house. i did not have a lot of community this summer- not nearly enough play dates and catch up time with girlfriends that i had every intention on doing. But we did have some great camping vacations with friends and a wonderful long weekend with bryan's family, so i suppose there was that, but of course the extrovert in me would always be down for more! I have found my thoughts shifting more and more toward simplicity. There was a big shift last year when we realized that all the material "things" and "stuff" in our house was causing fights, rather than encouraging play - so we downsized on stuff....a lot. Got rid of about 75% of their toys. The things we kept were their scooters, bikes, etc, a few board games and puzzles, and their hot wheels and monster trucks. These are the things that most often get played with, so everything else went to the goodwill. this had an amazing effect on our kids...and seeing that and witnessing how much better they play when there isn't "stuff" made me think about my own relationship with "stuff". i narrowed down too. I took a step back and realized that I have a problem with "stuff". I am not healed of that problem - i have a long ways to go, but there has been a small seedling planted and is now growing - of being mindful with things and cautious and deliberate.

I think my seedling of "simplicity" that started a while ago is really starting to flourish, when i think about my days and weeks and months. I have realized that although i am not a planner by nature, planning has really helped create balance in our home. Being thoughtful and intentional with planning ahead - meals, car pools, etc. has been my saving grace.

I have also noticed a shift in my attitude. The other day I was making these bracelets with bryson and he started getting really frustrated. i told him, "you know bryson, i got you these things because i thought you would have fun making them. i thought you enjoyed a challenge. things aren't always easy when we first start, but part of the fun is learning how to do it and how to do it better each time. It's why i like to sew and knit." and then i realized i was talking to myself because i haven't had that joy each time. I then started thinking about my own attitude and perspective on other "chores" like cleaning and making dinner. I started to desire to not just do it, but to do it and love it and enjoy it. can i tell you what an amazing "aha" moment this was. I took my own advice i was giving to my son and what do you know? i probably needed it more than he did! It has been really powerful to not just get through cleaning the kitchen, but changing my attitude about the whole thing has become a really empowering idea (having uplifting music helps this attitude!).

anyway...i am not always grinning ear to ear picking up the millionth hot wheel on the ground, or trying to pick granola out of a shag rug...or cleaning pee from the umpteenth sheet this week...so please don't let me give you the wrong impression - i am still a small seedling in this area, but my desire is to nourish and grow that little seedling into a beautiful tree - bearing fruit and all...if i can take the metaphor even further, please.

this weekend my sister and i had the pleasure of throwing a bridal shower for our cousin Melissa. It was such a joy to do and i truly loved making each little thing - partly because i enjoy that, but also I knew Melissa would appreciate it since she enjoys the same sort of thing. It was a small family shower and it was such a joy to just sit and chat with all the amazing women in our family. I wasn't the one getting married, but left it feeling so blessed to be from such good stock. to have such support within our family. to feel like no matter what kind of time has passed you can pick up wherever you left off. it was beautiful and wonderful and none of the decorations or food or anything else mattered nearly as much as that.  i am still basking in that love from that day and hope the bride to be feels the same!

The day I lost my stuff...

Yesterday I just lost it. I did. Let me just recount part of my day which included trying to get the boys to pick up after themselves before we left for the day...simultaneously trying to make sure they are all quiet while picking up (read: impossible) because we have someone who works for our business in our house and requires a peaceful work environment...trying to pack lunches and clean the house while they are running through the house screaming. Trying to get them outside while I pack lunches and freaking out when they are trying to do some skateboard trick off the kitchen door steps.

Then we head to the park where I hoped to run them around and get their energy out before I ran errands...then fast forward to the thrift store where I had to tell them 4 times not to run and not to touch EVERYTHING and when we leave Bodie tells me the lady gave her a car...which I know was not the truth since I was at the counter. I told him if he told me the truth he wouldn't be in trouble, but if he lied to me he would be punished...he then confessed that he found it on the floor and I made him go back into the store to return it (after we were all 4 already in the car and buckled can I add?) then I ran to my friend's store to pick up something I had ordered and they were basically totally out of control - but especially Bryson - causing fights and taking things and pushing his brothers around and not listening to me, so they lost out on getting a cake pop. when bryson heard that due to the way he behaved in the store he and his brothers would not be getting cake pops he collapsed in the middle of the driveway and started screaming/bawling. Can I pause here to tell you Bryson is almost 8 years old? Also bodie was whining and bobby was literally screaming because they just found out they wouldn't be getting their treat they were looking so forward to. So in the car I just lost it. I was embarrassed, frustrated, frazzled, you name whatever intense emotion and I was feeling it. I laid into Bryson for 10 minutes about how his actions affect everyone around him. His punishment for not listening and not staying still was that he had to lay on my bed for 1 hour - no talking - no getting up. When the hour was over he had to do chores all afternoon until dad got home.

That hour when he was in the bed and bobby was also napping was the only hour in my day I felt like I could hear thoughts in my brain and where I didn't feel like running away. Then the hour was over and all that remorse he felt in the car just went away and getting him to do the chores was like pulling teeth...I just couldn't anymore. I just felt like all the fight and all the no, no, no, no and all the punishing and all the correction for all three of them was just weighing on me like a huge damp smelly dank blanket and I couldn't take it.

When Bryan got home I was just a mess. Almost in tears...fighting back tears...i knew I would be no good and Bryan could just see me defeated he told me to just go and he would take care of them. and can i tell you how much I love that man - I could have chosen to lay into him about what a horrible day I had and take it out on him, but instead i just showed the broken-ness and because he loves me immensely (for some reason) - he took care of me. I packed a bag and headed to the gym and I worked out for 2 hours. I did my usual 45 minutes on the elliptical, but at the end, I just said - nope- not done - I worked out harder than I have since I broke my ankle. I made sure to sweat out all that rage and frustration and guilt I was feeling about my day. When I finished and went to a room to do my core work, i had to fight back tears again. There is something super cleansing about physical exercise - the endorphins your body releases...the cleansing act of just sweating out toxins in your body - it releases a lot. I have had my most eye opening talks with God while running - personal breakthroughs. So then I finished and went and sat in the jacuzzi by myself and reflected by myself. I can't remember the last time I have been able to do that. My mind started drifting all over the place, like - what? we can think? lets think about EVERYTHING. ALL AT ONCE. so i took a deep breath and started praying and focusing my thoughts and God started showing me things.

The first image that came into mind was of a girl that we had met at the park that day. A 14 year old girl who was severely developmentally disabled - she couldnt speak but came up to me and grabbed my hand and led me over to the swings because she wanted me to push her...so I did...and God showed me this girl during my prayer and the tears started flowing. Here I was frustrated because I have three crazy boys. Three very healthy, very normal crazy boys. I just felt like the smallest person on the planet at that point. My prayers of "I can't do this" "I don't know what I am doing" started turning to prayers of "Thank you God for blessing us with three healthy crazy boys. Thank you for thinking I am capable of doing this. Please help me to be capable." The second thing he showed me was my husband. I'm not in this alone. I have a partner. God showed this same thing to me right before I had Bobby and it filled me with immediate peace and I had the same reaction last night. No matter what happens...I have a partner. God designed it that way for a reason!

I came home with a renewed spirit. This parenting business is fo reals. I feel like its both the most amazing slash scariest thing I have ever done. I think the toughest thing is the constant putting yourself last business. This is great for anyone who needs to get over themselves (read: me) but is also not so good for people who need time alone to self-reflect and find peace. That balance of maintaining your spirtual/emotional/physical health and at the same time caring for your family to the best of your ability. I won't try to tell you I know how to do this, because...hello...did I tell you about my day yesterday? but it's slowly learning how to navigate in this business of parenting.

A girlfriend and I are leading a life group this fall and we will be discussing the book Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. I am excited to read this book (I have read a little so far and love it) and even more excited to have girl time and even more excited than that to have discussions with other mamas in the trenches of parenting. It is so nice to hear other war stories because you feel a little more sane...a little more like you aren't destroying your children...a little more like kids everywhere just are sucky for a while. and that is normal! and you are normal! Anwyay - I will end my rant now, I really wanted to flush all of this out while it was fresh for documenting sake and for future reference....and perhaps encouragement for anyone else who might be in the trenches needing a little reminder they aren't alone. YOU AREN'T ALONE!

3 Years

sorry for the blur, but i love this picture of her!

carving pumpkins at our house a week before bryson was born...love the pumpkin on the pumpkin bump!

i still miss my friend...like a lot. today marks 3 years since she passed and the pain i feel is still raw. as raw as it was when i wrote this too. i remember at her funeral the priest likened grieving to carrying around a treasure box full of their presence and memories and right now the treasure box is very cumbersome and hard to carry around, but over time it will become a little easier and then easier - but you will always carry their treasure box with you. i relate to that. my treasure box filled with devon has become a lot more portable, but no less present.

i think of her still EVERY time i see Big Lots (and thats a lot where i live) and every time i go to Trader Joe's - Devon was not so very gifted in the kitchen and everything she cooked was from Trader Joe's - like their pizza bread was her fave and she always heated up some frozen appetizer like every time you came over. she knew like a hundred recipes you could do with only 4 T.J. ingredients...it was amazing.

i also think of her whenever i go to a girls night and just think of how she would not miss this! she lived for parties...especially ones with a theme. she liked themes. i think of her when i see my keys and that keychain she made me of bryson when he was 3 months old is still on there...5 1/2 years later! little thoughts from that treasure box float around my brain and as much as they make me sad and realize the little hole she left in my heart, they also comfort me because if i can't have her around, then i must have her memories with me always.

i miss you friend. you left us all way too soon, but hope you are having a big ole themed party up there in heaven right now - i am giggling now because i am picturing you boss all the angels around and tell them where to put the chairs...hahaha...you tell em girl!

our new rhythm...or rather the process...

i am really trying to find our new rhythm and its really kicking my butt. and by my butt i mean my emotional/mental butt. anyway. this kindergarten thing is starting so early for me and my lazy morning attitude. i am NOT a morning person...again...let me repeat that NOT a morning person. in fact, if i was not a mother i would sleep until 11:00 probably. every morning. but...the thing is...is that i am a mom...to boys who do love the morning...so much so that they wake at 6! so that has been my normal wake up time for almost 6 years now. and i still cant manage to get to bed before midnight...i dont know why i do these things to myself.

with us needing to be out 2 hours earlier than normal, it has meant my running time has disappeared. i need to find a time that works for us, because i really miss it...i never thought i would say that, but its true. running is like a mental exfoliant for me. both bodie and bobby are in a process of changing their rhythms too. bobby, who used to take these awesome naps - one in the morning and one after lunch - is now refusing to nap in the afternoon and bodie too is not having naps anymore. but the problem is that they both need naps. so now i pick up bryson at school and he needs to like run a marathon or something he has so much energy and the other boys are needing to rest and i dont know what to do with any of them.

i know that i will find it. i think that God has been trying to speak to me lately about my time and my control issues over it. i think a bit of letting go and some quiet time meditating is what my soul needs more than a workout or sewing a million things.

this last week i have been looking at my life and made some hard decisions in how to simplify. i am feeling really good about the direction i am taking and need to remember not to get too caught up in needing an end result. sometimes i need to just be in the process a little. and daresay i need to enjoy the process a little more as well? could that just maybe mean a sign of maturity? dont laugh mom...i can hear you laughing right now...

anyways...i guess all this over-analyzing is me trying to slow down, me trying to give myself some grace and encouragement that the process is where i need to be right now. a focus on my spirit. because lately i have not had the happiest heart with my kids. especially bryson. that boy has my buttons on speed dial. he gets home and is all beep bop beep beep boop. and then i am growling. seriously i growl sometimes at him because i dont want to yell. but growling may be worse.



so - MOPs is starting up next week and i am looking forward to sitting with other mamas and confessing that i growl sometimes and looking forward to them telling me its okay and feeling a little more sane in this crazy job. yay for commiseration!

kindergarten

i have been a bit of a cliche mess this last week with kindergarten starting for bryson. i have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts on this subject and just needed to jot them all down...a part of my process...if you will...

its not surprising to you, if you know me, that i dont believe in public schooling. its all very political and boring and i dont want to write an essay about that, but the idea of public schooling as an idea - i am opposed to and i think what is happening now in California schools is such a result of that. so here i am about to put my own child in a public school and i feel super hypocritical about it in many ways. my husband and i talked about our alternative options and the two main ones being private school and homeschooling. one we can't afford with money and the second with time.

also - with homeschooling - i love it...bryan was homeschooled for a period and we have an amazing support system with our church and i know a grip of moms who do it and do it amazingly and were i the type of mom who could juggle teaching and working and somehow getting two kids three and five years younger than my kindergartener out of the way...i would totally do it. i still haven't ruled out the idea and it is definitely something i think we will revisit at some point, but for now it would be too much.

so anyway...here we are. and the saving grace in all of this is that bryson's school is just about the best thing you could ask for in a public elementary school. i have been blown away by the office staff, teachers and principal (who goes to our church as well).

one of the reasons this is hard for me is that the weeks leading up to kindergarten were so wonderful. we had hit our stride as a family and bryson has been doing really well and was calming down and just super fun and amazing. the other boys have been really easy too and it was just these couple weeks of an amazing end to a summer. so part of me sending him off was feeling like its all the end. its the end of the summer, but also the end of playdates and our own schedule. for the past 6 years i have taken my boys and had to answer to no one (last year bryson was in pre-school, but only 3 days a week) - and now - if i drop him off late to school he gets a tardy slip...totally forgot about those!

so it all kinda hit me dropping him off - sending him off to class - that this is the rest of his childhood. here. at this school (if we choose not to homeschool) and it was all very hard hitting. i have realized too that our normal routine of leaving the house after breakfast and running around like crazy to get bryson's energy out is disrupted, so that means he is out of control in the afternoon. i need to buy a treadmill for him or figure something out where he can get out his energy in a positive way....because right now - its not so positive.

so i guess my thoughts are a lot more jumbled than i realized...i have this guilt about putting him in a system i dont believe in whole-heartedly...i have this guilt that he is sitting down for 3 hours instead of doing what a little boy should do in my mind and run like mad and learn as he goes....i have this sadness that my little playmate is gone...i have this conviction that now his character will be put to test and all the "work" bryan and i have done to strengthen that character will also be put to test...and above all i have this hope that he will thrive in this environment because bryson tends to surprise me pleasantly in situations where i question his resolve.

and through it all i realize that these feelings are indeed not one of a kind...that moms all over the world have gone through and felt a lot of these same feelings and i look over as i am dropping him off and see a mom trying to hold back tears and it comforts me a bit. i see another mom's look of horror when they tell us that they don't check on who is picking our kid up from school. i see a child's nervous smile as mom is taking his picture on the first day and i realize how very normal it all is...whatever that means.

we are done...

so...we are "officially" done making babies...bryan had a procedure done to ensure that.

i think i have felt every range of emotion possible in the last 2 months regarding this.

i want to be very raw and open regarding this...because, maybe it will help someone else struggling.

i find that when we are raw with others, we get rawness back and it leads to growth.

so...let me just be very real and say that i expected a boy...but what i didn't expect was a sort of grieving over the fact that i will never have a girl. and also let me be clear that i never felt ill toward bobby over being a boy. i was honestly so happy that he was a boy and we would have a band of brothers...but making the decision that 3 was our limit...i felt a very strong sense of loss that we would never experience a girl.

and its not just because i make girls' clothes.

its little things that pop up out of nowhere....like realizing that i will never have a st. lucia to decorate on st. lucia day...or that i won't have a little girl who will care very much about copying my chocolate cookie recipe....or that i won't have another girl to commiserate with about periods, or boys, or shopping or cooking or wanting to dance...but i realized in the past month that i am also putting my boys in a very "boy" box.

i have been taking dance class on tuesdays for the past 3 weeks. bryson sees my tap shoes and expresses his desire to start tapping...why not? i guess, because bodie and bryson are very much into "boy" things i have excluded them from the things that i, as a girl, are into as well....and that - i realize - is a disservice to them.

i have also realized in these last 2 months that i am very blessed in being surrounded by little girls in my own life...namely my god-daughter Charlotte...i have a god-daughter...that i am charged with in seeing to her spiritual growth, as well as her personal growth...and i couldn't love that little girl more if i tried. i also have 4 nieces...who are amazing and love the hand-made love i show. one of my nieces (Hope) i am convinced, is my child...i taught her to crochet and she is so interested in learning the domestic arts and i couldn't be more ecstatic that she has that desire to learn that at her almost 13 years of age.

so God has blessed me in more ways than i even know now.

yes...i have boys...and God must have known what he was doing to give me all boys. He must have known that i have something special that i can keep up with them and temper them and be the main woman in their lives.

does my heart long for a little girl still? probably yes....but i find that longing fulfilled in the little girls that i am surrounded with for now. i can honestly say that i am more than content with my band of boys. i look forward to our camping trips and sports games and everything they have to throw at me. i know that my charge as a mom is to be the best mama to boys i can be.

i guess i am telling you all - not to worrry - i am so happy with my boys. i think some people feel bad for me...but please don't. i am so blessed. so blessed.