A Shift, A Shower, A Seedling

Photo from Missie's shower this weekend, Me, Missie and my sister - photo stolen from FB - taken by Jennifer Johnson

I had a really wonderful weekend. I came to sit down to work today and read some blogs and had my coffee, which i like to do before i start my day - puts me in a creative/working mode i find...anyway - there were quite a few blogs that had sweeping realizations and lots of reflective posts, which was odd because i have had some thoughts swirling in my head from this weekend that i felt compelled to share here. I have been reflecting on my summer and what was different about this summer- because when i look back at the summer as a whole - it felt really balanced. this is not normal for me - usually i never say no to anything - i overpack my schedule and overcommit my time, but this summer i was super mindful of only traveling a couple weekends per month. of planning on "catch up" days around the house. i did not have a lot of community this summer- not nearly enough play dates and catch up time with girlfriends that i had every intention on doing. But we did have some great camping vacations with friends and a wonderful long weekend with bryan's family, so i suppose there was that, but of course the extrovert in me would always be down for more! I have found my thoughts shifting more and more toward simplicity. There was a big shift last year when we realized that all the material "things" and "stuff" in our house was causing fights, rather than encouraging play - so we downsized on stuff....a lot. Got rid of about 75% of their toys. The things we kept were their scooters, bikes, etc, a few board games and puzzles, and their hot wheels and monster trucks. These are the things that most often get played with, so everything else went to the goodwill. this had an amazing effect on our kids...and seeing that and witnessing how much better they play when there isn't "stuff" made me think about my own relationship with "stuff". i narrowed down too. I took a step back and realized that I have a problem with "stuff". I am not healed of that problem - i have a long ways to go, but there has been a small seedling planted and is now growing - of being mindful with things and cautious and deliberate.

I think my seedling of "simplicity" that started a while ago is really starting to flourish, when i think about my days and weeks and months. I have realized that although i am not a planner by nature, planning has really helped create balance in our home. Being thoughtful and intentional with planning ahead - meals, car pools, etc. has been my saving grace.

I have also noticed a shift in my attitude. The other day I was making these bracelets with bryson and he started getting really frustrated. i told him, "you know bryson, i got you these things because i thought you would have fun making them. i thought you enjoyed a challenge. things aren't always easy when we first start, but part of the fun is learning how to do it and how to do it better each time. It's why i like to sew and knit." and then i realized i was talking to myself because i haven't had that joy each time. I then started thinking about my own attitude and perspective on other "chores" like cleaning and making dinner. I started to desire to not just do it, but to do it and love it and enjoy it. can i tell you what an amazing "aha" moment this was. I took my own advice i was giving to my son and what do you know? i probably needed it more than he did! It has been really powerful to not just get through cleaning the kitchen, but changing my attitude about the whole thing has become a really empowering idea (having uplifting music helps this attitude!).

anyway...i am not always grinning ear to ear picking up the millionth hot wheel on the ground, or trying to pick granola out of a shag rug...or cleaning pee from the umpteenth sheet this week...so please don't let me give you the wrong impression - i am still a small seedling in this area, but my desire is to nourish and grow that little seedling into a beautiful tree - bearing fruit and all...if i can take the metaphor even further, please.

this weekend my sister and i had the pleasure of throwing a bridal shower for our cousin Melissa. It was such a joy to do and i truly loved making each little thing - partly because i enjoy that, but also I knew Melissa would appreciate it since she enjoys the same sort of thing. It was a small family shower and it was such a joy to just sit and chat with all the amazing women in our family. I wasn't the one getting married, but left it feeling so blessed to be from such good stock. to have such support within our family. to feel like no matter what kind of time has passed you can pick up wherever you left off. it was beautiful and wonderful and none of the decorations or food or anything else mattered nearly as much as that.  i am still basking in that love from that day and hope the bride to be feels the same!

The day I lost my stuff...

Yesterday I just lost it. I did. Let me just recount part of my day which included trying to get the boys to pick up after themselves before we left for the day...simultaneously trying to make sure they are all quiet while picking up (read: impossible) because we have someone who works for our business in our house and requires a peaceful work environment...trying to pack lunches and clean the house while they are running through the house screaming. Trying to get them outside while I pack lunches and freaking out when they are trying to do some skateboard trick off the kitchen door steps.

Then we head to the park where I hoped to run them around and get their energy out before I ran errands...then fast forward to the thrift store where I had to tell them 4 times not to run and not to touch EVERYTHING and when we leave Bodie tells me the lady gave her a car...which I know was not the truth since I was at the counter. I told him if he told me the truth he wouldn't be in trouble, but if he lied to me he would be punished...he then confessed that he found it on the floor and I made him go back into the store to return it (after we were all 4 already in the car and buckled can I add?) then I ran to my friend's store to pick up something I had ordered and they were basically totally out of control - but especially Bryson - causing fights and taking things and pushing his brothers around and not listening to me, so they lost out on getting a cake pop. when bryson heard that due to the way he behaved in the store he and his brothers would not be getting cake pops he collapsed in the middle of the driveway and started screaming/bawling. Can I pause here to tell you Bryson is almost 8 years old? Also bodie was whining and bobby was literally screaming because they just found out they wouldn't be getting their treat they were looking so forward to. So in the car I just lost it. I was embarrassed, frustrated, frazzled, you name whatever intense emotion and I was feeling it. I laid into Bryson for 10 minutes about how his actions affect everyone around him. His punishment for not listening and not staying still was that he had to lay on my bed for 1 hour - no talking - no getting up. When the hour was over he had to do chores all afternoon until dad got home.

That hour when he was in the bed and bobby was also napping was the only hour in my day I felt like I could hear thoughts in my brain and where I didn't feel like running away. Then the hour was over and all that remorse he felt in the car just went away and getting him to do the chores was like pulling teeth...I just couldn't anymore. I just felt like all the fight and all the no, no, no, no and all the punishing and all the correction for all three of them was just weighing on me like a huge damp smelly dank blanket and I couldn't take it.

When Bryan got home I was just a mess. Almost in tears...fighting back tears...i knew I would be no good and Bryan could just see me defeated he told me to just go and he would take care of them. and can i tell you how much I love that man - I could have chosen to lay into him about what a horrible day I had and take it out on him, but instead i just showed the broken-ness and because he loves me immensely (for some reason) - he took care of me. I packed a bag and headed to the gym and I worked out for 2 hours. I did my usual 45 minutes on the elliptical, but at the end, I just said - nope- not done - I worked out harder than I have since I broke my ankle. I made sure to sweat out all that rage and frustration and guilt I was feeling about my day. When I finished and went to a room to do my core work, i had to fight back tears again. There is something super cleansing about physical exercise - the endorphins your body releases...the cleansing act of just sweating out toxins in your body - it releases a lot. I have had my most eye opening talks with God while running - personal breakthroughs. So then I finished and went and sat in the jacuzzi by myself and reflected by myself. I can't remember the last time I have been able to do that. My mind started drifting all over the place, like - what? we can think? lets think about EVERYTHING. ALL AT ONCE. so i took a deep breath and started praying and focusing my thoughts and God started showing me things.

The first image that came into mind was of a girl that we had met at the park that day. A 14 year old girl who was severely developmentally disabled - she couldnt speak but came up to me and grabbed my hand and led me over to the swings because she wanted me to push her...so I did...and God showed me this girl during my prayer and the tears started flowing. Here I was frustrated because I have three crazy boys. Three very healthy, very normal crazy boys. I just felt like the smallest person on the planet at that point. My prayers of "I can't do this" "I don't know what I am doing" started turning to prayers of "Thank you God for blessing us with three healthy crazy boys. Thank you for thinking I am capable of doing this. Please help me to be capable." The second thing he showed me was my husband. I'm not in this alone. I have a partner. God showed this same thing to me right before I had Bobby and it filled me with immediate peace and I had the same reaction last night. No matter what happens...I have a partner. God designed it that way for a reason!

I came home with a renewed spirit. This parenting business is fo reals. I feel like its both the most amazing slash scariest thing I have ever done. I think the toughest thing is the constant putting yourself last business. This is great for anyone who needs to get over themselves (read: me) but is also not so good for people who need time alone to self-reflect and find peace. That balance of maintaining your spirtual/emotional/physical health and at the same time caring for your family to the best of your ability. I won't try to tell you I know how to do this, because...hello...did I tell you about my day yesterday? but it's slowly learning how to navigate in this business of parenting.

A girlfriend and I are leading a life group this fall and we will be discussing the book Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. I am excited to read this book (I have read a little so far and love it) and even more excited to have girl time and even more excited than that to have discussions with other mamas in the trenches of parenting. It is so nice to hear other war stories because you feel a little more sane...a little more like you aren't destroying your children...a little more like kids everywhere just are sucky for a while. and that is normal! and you are normal! Anwyay - I will end my rant now, I really wanted to flush all of this out while it was fresh for documenting sake and for future reference....and perhaps encouragement for anyone else who might be in the trenches needing a little reminder they aren't alone. YOU AREN'T ALONE!

Daddy Day - A Typical Barnes Experience

First up was golf at the park. Bryan set up hula hoops and gave each of the boys buckets of balls. They could win prizes by getting it in whichever hoop was appropriate for their age.

Here you can vaguely make out the sticks and hoops in the background...

Bobby is slowly learning his froggy foot :)

Next up is baseball - each kid got a turn - whoever wasn't hitting was fielding the balls or golfing

Then he took them to one of their favorite spots- the lighthouse park for some skateboarding/scooter-ing. Bobby is already trying to ollie....

Picnic at the park - (He packed the lunches FYI)

Their favorite park and this is why - the big hill that circles around the lighthouse...i close my eyes until they are all the way down...bryan does not...thankfully...

Bryan and I were talking the other night...often times we find ourselves discussing parenting...it is now our new subject that we find ourselves going back to - partly because we are constantly having to check ourselves and partly because it is our biggest stressor right now. Anyway - I was telling him the other night that when our kids are all up and grown and we are good and retired and they have kids of their own, we will have to interview them and write a book based on this experience of co-parenting the boys. It has been a very interesting experiment so far...to understate it...immensely.

Well, one totally ordinary day where I was supposed to be in the office and Bryan was on kid duty - i made a very spontaneous decision to play hookey at work. And I announced my decision after the kids were already in the car - I didn't know what the plan was, but saw a bunch of stuff in the car - so I documented the day. 

Bryan comes from a very athletic family. His mom is a pretty awesome (professional and nationally ranked) tennis player - his dad has either played it or coached it...just about every sport....and his sisters are also amazing athletes. well...that is just fine...except that i am not...i grew up dancing - our dinner conversations with my family was about our day at school and as we got older it was about politics or current events, etc - when i first sat down for a dinner with Bryan's family they were discussing whether to 2 step or 3 step hurdles. i remember this distinctly because a) i had absolutely nothing to contribute to said conversation and b) was trying to recall if i had ever even seen a hurdle in person. clearly this family had different dynamics than mine. But this has also been pretty awesome- i have this appreciation for athletics i never had before - bryan introduced me to running, which has become a love in my life. and now our children get the barnes experience. 

whenever my in-laws come visit we typically pack every bike, skateboard, roller blades, etc into the car and go somewhere...so this was a typical day for bryan, but I had to document it because a) it wasn't a special day - its what bryan does with them ALL the time and b) it is nothing like a day I spend with them. I think it is so special that three boys get to have a father around as much as they do. They do things with Bryan that I would never do - and his style is very different from mine...but then again - if we did not have the set up we did, bryson would most likely not be doing golf tournaments like he is...Bodie would not have ridden a bike without training wheels at 2 years old and Bobby certainly would not be doing ollies on his skateboard. Also - he had an amazing example of discipline in his own father. His father happens to be in charge of discipline at a High School and not only is he respected, he is also well loved. I love that Bryan is choosing to follow his example. He is tough on them, but also full of love - he is quick to apologize to them (something I am trying hard to learn- that is tough for me) and quick to forgive them. 

I have been wanting/meaning to document Bryan's golf prize box and prize wheel for a while - maybe a good motivation as a part 2 to this post, but Bryan makes it fun for them (and their friends who want prizes too) - they have the sense of practice and reward.

As you can see - I am pretty much in love with this man - pretty proud of the dad he is. it was so fun to spend a day into his way of parenting and to document part of it. 

parenting adventures

i have been on many an adventure in my life...sky-diving...hiking the alps...traveling across Europe...riding an elephant...traveling through the monkey forest in Bali...but none of it comes close to the experiences i have had parenting. although not quite the same thrill one gets jumping out of a plane...parenting has been this different extreme...this physical extreme...this emotional extreme...this sometimes claustrophobic extreme.

my little sister is pregnant...i think she is having an emotional go at it and was trying to seek solace in me...i couldnt offer her any fluff...i just told her not to come to me unless she wants the truth...i will encourage her, but i aint gunna lie! its hard...but at the same time, i wish i had someone telling me that...i wish i had someone tell me how dangerous it is to expect things to get easier. i wish i wouldn't have wasted time getting angry at my child waking me up...because my friends kids all slept through the night. i wish i would have had someone tell me...you wont sleep for 2 years. get over it. accept it. deal. and stop whining. stop it...seriously. stop. you will sleep again...just not now so quit saying you are tired. we get it.

that was future me yelling at past me. did you get that? it was really funny to me...anyway...i could keep having these conversations with former me...but we are moving on...aren't we?

there are times when i get this claustrophobic feeling...this overwhelming sense of my responsibilities as a parent...its almost like a physical weight and the obvious becomes heightened... I HAVE THREE KIDS!!! becomes all too suddenly apparent...like i just realized the implication of it all. like they just all of the sudden appeared in my life...but its more than that...its more like...THEY AREN'T LEAVING!...kind of like when you first get married...and it starts to hit you that the other person will never go away, but not in a comforting way...more like an OMG...I WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN...EVER!!! kinda terrifying way - did that ever happen to you? me either...just kidding...it did...does...whatever.

but like i was saying...only when i start to fathom the responsibility...the potential for disaster and human-ness. we are going to open a trust for our boys and i joke with my husband that they will have a choice at 18 to use it for college or therapy...but i am only kinda joking...because i feel like how can we not mess them up somehow?

doing the Jesse Tree during Advent season was so special for our little family. it got me thinking all about my faith...it got me thinking how our faith was presented to us as children by our parents...it got me thinking how to present God's truth and Word to our kids...it got me too introspective...i feel like i can not possibly share with them the Word when i am such a poor example of it all. when my faith is so weak...as evidenced by my self-obsessed claustrophobic moments...

i have had some amazing discussions with friends and family in the past couple of months - i find myself again on an adventure. a journey to discover where my faith fits in now. a journey on how to present that to my kids through not just my words but my everyday actions. i haven't had to really take a hard look at what i believe since college. i am realizing i haven't thought too much about myself in the past 6 years - which is both the best thing for me and the worst simultaneously.

i am thankful during this adventurous time in my life i have a lot of support in my church family, and physical family and friends. it can be so isolating if you let it. it can be so hard to not be isolated...but so necessary. it can be the biggest thrill and adventure of them all...but at times the most difficult trek you have ever undertaken...and perhaps the most debilitating part of it is that you cant turn back...there is no option...just press on and teach grace to your children and hopefully they will extend that to you one day.

i am also thankful for this little blog and the ability to share it all with you guys...and for your feedback - not always here, but in conversations, in emails, etc...it helps to share this burden with friends and family - it helps in the connectedness of it all...because we are...we should be...we need to be. i need to be. thank you.