A Shift, A Shower, A Seedling

Photo from Missie's shower this weekend, Me, Missie and my sister - photo stolen from FB - taken by Jennifer Johnson

I had a really wonderful weekend. I came to sit down to work today and read some blogs and had my coffee, which i like to do before i start my day - puts me in a creative/working mode i find...anyway - there were quite a few blogs that had sweeping realizations and lots of reflective posts, which was odd because i have had some thoughts swirling in my head from this weekend that i felt compelled to share here. I have been reflecting on my summer and what was different about this summer- because when i look back at the summer as a whole - it felt really balanced. this is not normal for me - usually i never say no to anything - i overpack my schedule and overcommit my time, but this summer i was super mindful of only traveling a couple weekends per month. of planning on "catch up" days around the house. i did not have a lot of community this summer- not nearly enough play dates and catch up time with girlfriends that i had every intention on doing. But we did have some great camping vacations with friends and a wonderful long weekend with bryan's family, so i suppose there was that, but of course the extrovert in me would always be down for more! I have found my thoughts shifting more and more toward simplicity. There was a big shift last year when we realized that all the material "things" and "stuff" in our house was causing fights, rather than encouraging play - so we downsized on stuff....a lot. Got rid of about 75% of their toys. The things we kept were their scooters, bikes, etc, a few board games and puzzles, and their hot wheels and monster trucks. These are the things that most often get played with, so everything else went to the goodwill. this had an amazing effect on our kids...and seeing that and witnessing how much better they play when there isn't "stuff" made me think about my own relationship with "stuff". i narrowed down too. I took a step back and realized that I have a problem with "stuff". I am not healed of that problem - i have a long ways to go, but there has been a small seedling planted and is now growing - of being mindful with things and cautious and deliberate.

I think my seedling of "simplicity" that started a while ago is really starting to flourish, when i think about my days and weeks and months. I have realized that although i am not a planner by nature, planning has really helped create balance in our home. Being thoughtful and intentional with planning ahead - meals, car pools, etc. has been my saving grace.

I have also noticed a shift in my attitude. The other day I was making these bracelets with bryson and he started getting really frustrated. i told him, "you know bryson, i got you these things because i thought you would have fun making them. i thought you enjoyed a challenge. things aren't always easy when we first start, but part of the fun is learning how to do it and how to do it better each time. It's why i like to sew and knit." and then i realized i was talking to myself because i haven't had that joy each time. I then started thinking about my own attitude and perspective on other "chores" like cleaning and making dinner. I started to desire to not just do it, but to do it and love it and enjoy it. can i tell you what an amazing "aha" moment this was. I took my own advice i was giving to my son and what do you know? i probably needed it more than he did! It has been really powerful to not just get through cleaning the kitchen, but changing my attitude about the whole thing has become a really empowering idea (having uplifting music helps this attitude!).

anyway...i am not always grinning ear to ear picking up the millionth hot wheel on the ground, or trying to pick granola out of a shag rug...or cleaning pee from the umpteenth sheet this week...so please don't let me give you the wrong impression - i am still a small seedling in this area, but my desire is to nourish and grow that little seedling into a beautiful tree - bearing fruit and all...if i can take the metaphor even further, please.

this weekend my sister and i had the pleasure of throwing a bridal shower for our cousin Melissa. It was such a joy to do and i truly loved making each little thing - partly because i enjoy that, but also I knew Melissa would appreciate it since she enjoys the same sort of thing. It was a small family shower and it was such a joy to just sit and chat with all the amazing women in our family. I wasn't the one getting married, but left it feeling so blessed to be from such good stock. to have such support within our family. to feel like no matter what kind of time has passed you can pick up wherever you left off. it was beautiful and wonderful and none of the decorations or food or anything else mattered nearly as much as that.  i am still basking in that love from that day and hope the bride to be feels the same!

Sweet Bobby B.

Bobby! here in his highchair...where he is *very quickly* learning to love food...and wooden spoons. Growing so fast! right now he has a nasty cough....but he is still so sweet and happy despite the gunk. nursing is not going so very well right now (either is pumping) but he seems to be thriving and happy despite mommy's stress over it! i just look at these pictures and remind myself - its not about me...baby boy is doing great and can't wait to mix it up with the older bros.

i am finding myself challenged and humbled as a mom right now. i am trying to let go of the things that are out of my control, which is hard for a control-loving person as myself. ultimately, i know that God is using these kids to help me be a better me and i am trying to be open to that message. motherhood is amazing in that way - always a new challenge - always a new day - and kids are amazingly forgiving...which is a good lesson for all of us!

nipple confusion

i love the title of this post...because its what both bobby and i have right now...

bobby is not wanting to nurse...in that...when he does he clamps down and pulls. every time. i still nurse him 2x a day but that is all he has patience for. so i have been PUMP-ing...like 7x a day pumping. like i dont know how i have found time to pump. the difficulty in my situation is that we have 2 guys working in our house every day, so i have to go into my room to pump during the day...with 3 kids and having to go into a room to pump...its not so much convenient. no...not so much...in fact it is the very opposite of that.

i know what needs to be done. i know we need to take away all bottles...that i need to bear through it. which i would be able to do...if i didnt work 3 days a week....if i didnt have 2 other kids that also have needs and loud opinions...if i didnt have 2 other people working out of our house and i could have bobby in the office with me...if i wasnt just all around so darn tired...in other words - if he was my first ;)

i am not ready at all to stop breastfeeding. and even though he takes a bottle more than he actually takes it from my breast i consider it breastfeeding. i wish he would nurse because i love it so. i wish i could have nursed my other boys longer than a year. but they had other plans. plans that did not involve my breastfeeding. i have nipple confusion too because i am not sure if my feelings/hormones are in my best interest or his...

the other part of this is that i have not been making enough milk. truly. i did with my other boys no problem (especially bodie who at this point at 6 months was over 20 pounds). i suspect that bobby has always had a sucking issue because he has never fallen asleep while breastfeeding. when he was younger he would pull away from the breast frustrated and start screaming. i thought it was because he had stomach issues. one day bryan got sick of it and gave him a bottle. he ate 5 ounces. 5 ounces! after i was "done" breastfeeding. and he fell asleep/conked out more like and slept longer than he ever had. i felt horrible after that. after a month of trying to up my milk supply with supplements and teas and pumping and a still frustrated baby, i gave in and started supplementing formula. this was about a month ago. we supplemented one bottle a day - all the while me still trying to help my milk supply, which has not been affected. i tried changing my diet, not working out, taking a week off of work (because maybe it was stress related?)...nothing.

i am so so upset by this. its been a big source of pride that i have breastfed my babies. it has been a big source of how i see my role as a mom to my babies. it has been everything about what i love about babies and being a mom and providing something amazing that no one else can give my babies. i dont know what the lesson is in all of this. i am trying to give myself grace and not be so hard on myself. i am trying to do what is right for my entire family...not just me or bobby...i am trying to be logical over emotional...i am trying to find a way out of all of the stress over it...but it has been weighing on me so heavy.

i am going to continue to try to breastfeed every feeding. i am going to continue to pump until my milk runs dry. i am going to continue the supplements...and i am going to try to forgive myself...bobby is doing great. he loves the ease of the bottle and is eating a ton! he is also starting to eat solids and gain nutrition there as well.

i think what is sorta ironic about all of this is that breastfeeding was the one thing that i was so unsure of when i was pregnant for the first time. i knew i wanted to do it, but it scared me. i told myself i would at least give it 6 months...now here i am...so upset that my baby is refusing to nurse at 6 months...its also that he is my last baby...i wanted to nurse him until he was at least 5 years old. kidding....sort of...

anyway...i needed to write this all out...i have been so bogged down by it all...my pride is hurt...my feelings are hurt...i am having trouble separating hormones from reality...my worries vs. what is best for my baby. obviously if i am not making enough milk for my baby it is best for my baby if we supplement, but i have always hated formula...so there are a lot of layers. sheesh...motherhood is such a psychological journey...thanks for listening! i need a hug...